Powerful loving
By Anne Fawcett | smh.com.au | 18 February
They say birds of a feather flock together and it's often the case that managers chose life partners who share their ambition.
How often do we hear about power couples, such as Bill and Hillary Clinton, where both parties are seriously driven and drawn together by a common yearning for success? Some career fields, such as law, are famed for the number of high-
powered unions they spawn.
But if you and your partner are both juggling hectic schedules, deadlines, long hours and managerial responsibilities, finding time to be with each other can be a major challenge. "The biggest problem for these couples is a lack of communication," says Paul Smith, chief executive of coaching company Carnegie Management Group. "They're too busy doing the job; they don't talk."
Even when they get home, it can be hard to switch off. "A lot of people don't mentally leave work," Smith says. "It takes a unique person to walk out of the door at 5pm, leave the laptop behind and turn the mobile off."
However, strategies including negotiating, enjoying each other's successes and resisting the urge to outsource all domestic chores can help in keeping power relationships on the rails.
Smith says the odds are stacked against high-flying couples from the start, given that recruiters for management positions seek candidates who are devoted to the job. "A question that is typically asked in a job interview is, 'How many hours are you prepared to put in?"' Smith says. "The ideal answer is, 'As long as it takes."'
Such a commitment can be disastrous for personal relationships."You can end up in a situation where you have a big job, with all the power and glory, but you've not accounted for the fact that 25 hours a day is the working norm and you've not thought about the impact on your personal life," Smith says. "A lot of people get caught out there."
That can be problematic enough when it applies to one person in a relationship but when both parties have equally senior roles, conflict is more likely. "One of the common causes of relationship breakdown in this situation is a built-up sense that what I am doing is more important than what you are doing," Smith says.
Anne Hollonds, CEO of Relationships Australia, agrees. "Often problems occur when one person, typically the woman, is expected to choose the relationship above their job," she says. "For example, one party is offered a promotion interstate, and expects the other party to give up their hard-won position and relocate. If that is a pattern in the relationship and it happens too many times, it's likely to become a problem."
A positive outcome is more likely when couples reciprocate. "It might be my turn this time and yours next, or my career for 10 years."
Not everyone is prepared to compromise to this degree, though. "People who put their career first may see their relationship as a secondary thing, a lifestyle accessory like a yacht or holiday house," Hollonds says. "If it's too hard or too much trouble, you just offload it. But eventually all relationships get in the way; they're never smooth sailing forever."
Another danger for corporate couples is the tendency to outsource domestic duties, Hollonds says. Outsourcing mundane chores such as ironing and cooking can work well if it frees up quality time but often that extra time is used to check emails and finish reports. "Sometimes it's getting home and doing the housework together and cooking a meal together that are the bonding experiences," Hollonds says.
"If you outsource every aspect of your life, if you're always eating out, getting someone else to do the washing and cleaning, you're removing some of those potentially bonding experiences you might have. You can't outsource your relationship."
According to Hollonds, one major advantage high-flying couples do have going for them is their ability to negotiate.
"We provide coaching for a lot of executive couples because they often want very efficient solutions to partnership problems and they're prepared to get professional advice when the relationship becomes troublesome," she says.
They are also excellent planners, a trait that can prove relationship-saving, says Dr Judith MacCormick of the Australian Graduate School of Management. "There are going to be times when one is more stressed than the other, so you can help one another smooth things out."
Being able to appreciate your partner's success is essential, she says. "You really need to enjoy each other's success and want your partner to be intellectually challenged."
Corporate couple Yvette and Andy Gent admit they've learned the hard way that they need to actively prioritise their relationship.
"We've both not had very successful past relationships because we've been married to our jobs," says Yvette, 28, director of Love* Recruitment.
Andy, 31, is managing director of recruitment firm AccountAbility.
The pair, who married in September, work a minimum of 50 hours in their respective businesses, not counting after-hours events. "We've got something on almost every night," Yvette says. "Plus we tend to do work at home each night and on weekends."
Despite being time poor, they set aside one hour to talk with each other every day. Domestic duties, with the exception of ironing, are an in-house affair. "Andy is a former chef so he does the cooking, I do the washing," Yvette says.
They count their respective corporate roles as one of the strengths of their relationship. "We have less time together but we understand why that is," Andy says. "We absolutely want our businesses to be the best they can be and we want to see each other succeed," Yvette says.
MacCormick argues that, despite the challenges, high-flying couples can make their respective positions work for them.
"Energy can be energising. If you've had a fantastic day at work, that can flow over to home and pump up the relationship."
First published by Smh.com.au on February 18 2008
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